Disabled Government

Dear British Government
You’re really having a laugh
Reducing all me benefits
By nearly half.
You clobbered me for bedroom tax
You’ve taken away my pride
I cannot afford to go outdoors
So now I stay inside.
I’m not a benefit cheat or a scrounger
It really makes me balk
To be so persecuted
Just because I cannot walk.
You allow multi-national companies
To evade paying their fair share of tax
You may not wish to hear it
But these are the simple facts.
The rich are getting richer
The Government is unforgiving
The disabled are really struggling
With the cost of living.
Blatant tax evasion by Starbucks
By Google and Amazon
It’s not surprising that the disabled
Are feeling that they are being shit upon.
It is no exaggeration
To say that the whole situation is a mess
With a display of such incompetence
Perpetrated by IDS
Millions of pounds they’ve wasted
Gross ineptitude they’ve shown
Now targeting the weakest in society
No wonder people moan
I never thought a British Government
Would ever stoop this low
Causing despair and suicide
And rejoicing with each blow
Disability Discrimination, it certainly is
But some are too blind to see
They’ve even been backed in a Court of Law
So much for the British Judiciary.
One day we’ll have a foreign invasion
On a scale that knows no bounds
With their armies rescuing the disabled
On humanitarian grounds.
One day this will be in history books
So future generations can see
The most shameful treatment of the disabled
In British History.

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My Birth

I was a product of the winter
of 1953.
Nine months later I shot out
and the world was strange to me.

The nurse held me up and slapped my bum
It didn’t make any sense
I went on to learn that  GBH
was actually an offence!

The family all gathered round
To wet the baby’s head
But with crates of beer and casks of wine
They all got p****d instead

I remember my first bottle
I really got in a state
For at 40% proof
It wasn’t Cow & Gate!!

I remember my first pram;
An orange box on wheels
With ‘JAFFA’ written on the side
And full of orange peels.

 

It didn’t have any steering
Not even any brakes
So going down that great big hill
Was the first of my mistakes.

“It’s all down hill from here”
I heard my mother say
As she let go the handlebars
And sent me on my way!

I was bawlin’ like a good ‘un
As I landed in a heap
With a JAFFA box around my head
And c**p 6 inches deep!
About these ads

Gloom & Doom

I’ve been scanning the local papers
But there isn’t any room
To print any good news
In the Weekly Gloom and Doom

They’re stuffed full of deaths and disasters
And one can only assume
That nobody has a sense of humour
At the Weekly Gloom and Doom

Some papers are well written
A lot more than a few
With several humorous articles
Like the Scotsman and Guardian too

I wish that the local papers
Could surely find the room
To print some light-hearted news
Not just gloom and doom

The purists will probably disagree
And say that news must be bad
For it to get into a newspaper
Which I think is really sad

So I will keep on writing
Inspired by the National news
And try to find something witty
While others blow a fuse!

Copyright © Ian m Allan 2016

Wandering Jimmy’s Tour of Scotland

 

He walked all over Scotland
In alphabetical order
Starting at the home of Sir Walter Scott
Abbotsford – near the Scottish Border.
From there he walked to Biggar
Castle Douglas and Dumfries
But the tales of the Border Reivers
Were never once of peace.
To Ettrick Bridge and Floors Castle
With all its history there
But Galashiels and Hawick beckoned
Innerliethen a joy to share.
Jedburgh was his next destination
Then to the north he’d go
Through to Kirkintilloch
And Lennoxtown north of Glasgow.
And then to the beautiful Isle of Mull
This idyllic place would follow
With the colourful town of Tobermory
And transportation tales of sorrow.
Back across the Sound to Oban
Portincaple and Rannoch moor then
Tales of the Highland Clearances
When sheep were worth more than men.
Northwards now to Skye and Sligachan
A beautiful sight to see
Then back on the road for a little detour
To his favourite pub in Portree.
Then across the bridge to Kyle of Lochalsh
On the mainland and wandering far
Through the wonderful hills of Torridon
So bonny as they are.
Then he stood on the pier at Ullapool
And saw the sunset in the west
Then on the to the Isle of Barra and Vattersay
Surely one of the best.
Then north east to Wick
Many stories he could tell
But onward up to the Shetlands
And to the village of Yell.

The Glasgow Builder

Wee Jimmy was a builder
He took on projects large and small
But even he was gobsmacked
When asked to re-build Hadrian’s Wall.

Now wee Jimmy thought he was dreaming
And the more he began to think
The more he decided that it must
Be the effect of the drink.

For Hadrian had done a good job
And aye, it had lasted some years,
But the Building Regulations had changed
And there were Health and Safety fears.

Now, old Hadrian was no longer in business
He’d packed up and retired.
For once he’d built the Great Big Wall
Another one wasn’t required.

His builders had packed up too
And were not taking calls
An answer phone gave a new message,
“Bugger off!! We’re not building walls!!”

 

 

 

Wee Jimmy had a name in mind
Which to him made perfect sense
For instead of ‘The Nicola Sturgeon Wall’
It would be, ‘The Wall of Independence’.

Jimmy worked on the wall’s design
It would be renowned from Stornoway to Dover
And he would make it extra high
To stop the English coming over!!

But Jimmy just kept on building
His work just has to be seen
For he’s built a similar wall running parallel
With a deep moat in between.

Jimmy has succeeded where others have failed
He has carried out his orders
Unlike the Home Secretary, Theresa May
Who can’t control her Borders.

The 99p Store

Two men were engaged in a battle

Along by Margate shore

One owned a £1 shop

The other, a 99p store.

They tried to outsell each other

Each in their own way

By promoting different items

And putting them upon display.

Their rivalry grew evermore bitter

And much fiercer than any

Nobody could believe that it was all because

Of one single little penny.

People joined forces in support

Resulting in a mega furore

One group supporting the £1 shop

The other, the 99p store.

The town came to a standstill

As folk gathered from miles around

To see what both were selling

For 99p or £1.

                                                                           The two groups lined up along the street

The battle lines were drawn

Nobody knew what would happen

As the local police looked on.

Suddenly the £1 shop opened early

You could hear an almighty cry

But then a shout came from the 99p store

“We’re promoting a multi-buy!”

“Six for the price of five!”

Nobody could believe this

It really was below the belt

In fact it was taking the mickey!

People armed themselves with baskets

And trolleys at the ready

All waiting to grab a bargain

But outwardly calm and steady.

All of a sudden all hell broke loose

Public order was about to de-rail

When word got out that the £1 shop

Was having a mid-season sale!

The town was in uproar

There was a near stampede

As both sides made for the aisles

In a dramatic show of greed.

The police called for reinforcements

And the Army brought a tank

As the surging crowd grew angry

To draw money from the bank.

Then scenes were turning ugly

With Mary Portas being sent

To try to restore peace and calm

To this little part of Kent.

After days of negotiations

(Which were sponsored by KFC)

Everything began to calm down

The way it used to be

People still talk about it

And many still wonder why

It escalated to such a degree

And became a panic buy

But the two shops are still beside each other

And probably will always be

But now they are both selling goods

At the one price of 50p.

Taking the P.P.P.

I own a talkative parrot,

My parrot’s name is Fred.

One day he sat upon his perch,

And this is what he said.

“You wonder why I sit here all day,

In angst, in anger and rage.

It’s because I cannot escape,

From within this bloody cage.

You put a mirror on the bars,

What is that about?

My image staring back at me,

Makes me want to scream and shout!

You put sandpaper upon my floor,

Which makes me want to frown.

At least if I had a piece of wood

I could sand the bugger down.

And as for that stupid bell

There have been many times

I wish it was more melodic,

Like a polyphonic set of chimes.

That is all I have to say.

I promise that I’ll be quiet

But what’s the chance of a sirloin steak?

I feel as if I’m on a diet !!”

The Bright Yellow Band

In darkened alleys
And streets forboding
They lie in wait
For Lorries unloading.
With a bright yellow band
Around their cap
They hide in doorways
Before springing their trap
You can’t park here
Upon these lines
Otherwise you’ll have to pay
Hefty fines.
To which the lorry driver replied
Under his breath
If you don’t scarper
There will be a death.
The traffic warden held his ground
The lorry driver made no sound
But became increasingly thrilled
When the traffic warden fell into a hole
Which was about to be filled
The traffic warden certainly did swear
Waving his cap high up in the air
The tarmac then filled where the big hole had been.
And when you looked all that could be seen
Was a little scrawny hand
Holding a hat
With a bright yellow band!!

The Way of the System

I wrote this while staying for a short while in a Residential Care Home. Even that was way too long !!

 

Put them down
and keep them low
Take away all things
which they know
Tamper with wheelchairs
and make them go slow
For you are now part of the System.

Don’t get them up
leave them in bed
We’ll just ensure
they’re watered and fed
And leave them there
until they are dead
That is the way of the System.

Come in for respite
Enjoy your stay
You’ll be bored
All of the day
You’ll be begging to be taken away
From the Regime of the System.

Why should we care
We don’t give a toss
As long as we make money
And don’t make a loss
When you come here
We’ll show you who’s boss
For this is the way of the System.

Leave them for an hour
Upon the old loo
That’s what we are told
That we should do
If you call us
We won’t answer you
You will have to wait for the System

Old men who were heroes
And women so kind
Trapped in infirmity
Here you will find
All slowly going
Out of their mind
Living under the System.

Staff may come
And staff may go
There are things
Which only they know
Records of such
They never will show
The secrets of the System.

Anything you hear
With your own ears
We don’t care
If it brings on the tears
You’ll be unhappy
For the rest of your years
For you will die in the System.

Disabled Quiz

This Quiz should never have had to be written.

The only reason it has been written is to highlight the neglect, stupidity and uncaring attitude which exists in The Care Industry. There are so many different aspects of ‘Care’ that I have arranged this quiz in sections. I have not included as many sections as I would have wished because if I had, you poor reader would probably have given up the will to live by part 27 !!

Humorous though it may initially appear, it should be considered that a great many of the optional answers in the Parts 1-5 Multiple Choice as well as indeed their related questions are in fact based on real events which I or my friends have had to deal with causing us distress, upset and mental anguish.

The reason I have decided to include the humorous content is hopefully to highlight the sheer stupidity of some of the decisions and practices by people in authority who should know better!

I suppose that by highlighting these things I am hoping that steps will be taken to improve

This Quiz should never have had to be written.
The only reason it has been written is to highlight the neglect, stupidity and uncaring attitude which exists in The Care Industry. There are so many different aspects of ‘Care’ that I have arranged this quiz in sections. I have not included as many sections as I would have wished because if I had, you poor reader would probably have given up the will to live by part 27 !!
Humorous though it may initially appear, it should be considered that a great many of the optional answers in the Parts 1-5 Multiple Choice as well as indeed their related questions are in fact based on real events which I or my friends have had to deal with causing us distress, upset and mental anguish.
The reason I have decided to include the humorous content is hopefully to highlight the sheer stupidity of some of the decisions and practices by people in authority who should know better!
I suppose that by highlighting these things I am hoping that steps will be taken to improve matters.
In this respect though, I am not holding my breath…!!

DISABLED QUIZ ~ PARTS 1-6
PART (1) VICTIMISATION
Question 1)
I have lost my DLA and no longer have sufficient funds to heat my house, Do I …
A) Pack my clothes and coat with newspaper to stay warm like the government has advised?
B) Drill a hole in the party wall and steal my neighbour’s electricity?
C) Not really a problem as I will have already starved to death by September?
Question 2)
I have been asked to pay a ‘Bedroom Tax’ Surcharge because I sleep in the spare bedroom, Do I…
A) Demolish the dividing wall to create an ‘Open Plan’ space?
B) Sleep in the coal cellar?
C) Die of hunger as I can’t afford to pay for food and ‘Bedroom Tax’?
Question 3)
I am in ‘Respite Care’ for two weeks. There is a metal hoist blocking my way to the toilet, Do I…
A) Press the Fire Alarm?
B) Turn around and break my speed record while finding another toilet?
C) Just sit there and let nature take over?
Question 4)
Somebody passes a patronising comment while you are out in your wheelchair. Do you…
A) Run over their foot?
B) Explain to them the underlying principles of Quantum Physics?
C) Ignore them?
Question5)
Staying at a Residential Care Facility there is no reliable Wi-Fi signal. Should I…
A) Complain about the dire state of their knackered computer system?
B) Realise that the disabled should not be able to contact the outside world?
C) Rejoice in the knowledge that I still have a pen and paper?
Question 6)
Staying at a Residential Care Facility they dress you in other peoples’ clothes. Should you…
A) Complain because you never ever wear Armani?
B) Insist that you have never been a cross-dresser and have no intention of starting?
C) Take them because your own clothes have been lost/stolen/given to charity?
Question 7)
When your disabled transport fails to turn up after waiting over 3 hours. Do you…
A) Start making your own way along the hard shoulder of the motorway?
B) Get a tow?
C) Don’t go out?
*D)Get driven home in a disability vehicle by the Residential Care Home staff where I had been staying after the booked disability transport failed to turn up even after several phone calls during which we were told, “The transport is on its way!”. I later found out this transport never did arrive!!
Question 8)
When thinking about booking a hotel room. Do you…
A)Realise that Disabled people shouldn’t stay in hotels due to Health & Safety Regulations.
*B) Ask for a disabled room and expect to find that the only disabled part of it is yourself?
C) Worry about the toilet being such a stupid height that you will niether get on to it nor off of it?
D) Forget it. If you can stay in a hotel then you are clearly fit for work?
Question 9)
When submitting written work to a publisher. Do you…
A)Don’t mention your disability because it might go against you?
B)Don’t mention your disability because they will only want to know about your disability?
C)Don’t mention your disability or they will assume you expect preferential consideration?
D)Don’t bother submitting it because disabled people can’t string a sentence together?
Question 10)
When crossing the road at a zebra crossing. Do you…
A)Hold up a circular ‘Target Sign’ so drivers can aim properly?
B) Put your wheelchair on ‘Turbo Speed’, say a prayer and ‘Go For It’?

PART (2) MOTIVATION

Question 1)
You have been disabled for a while and unable to walk at all. Your cognitive ability is unimpaired and you are looking for a new challenge or something new to learn. Do you…
A) Study the ‘Beginner’s Guide to Easy Crosswords’?
B) Study Walschaerts Valve Gear System for Steam Locomotive Engineering?
C) Study Psychology?
D)Study counselling in order to help other disabled people?
E) Give up learning anything new because you are disabled?
F) Find something creative to do like Art, Writing etc.
G) Study the horses at the bookies?
Question 2)
You are in a wheelchair but have been offered a day out with no expense. Do you…
A) Go for a drive and visit a country pub for lunch?
B) Go to a shopping Mall?
C) Be grateful that anybody wants to take you out?
D) Go to the bookies?

Question 3)
You are in a wheelchair watching a Health & Fitness programme. Do you…
A) Turn over or switch off.
B) Say, “I must do my exercises.”
C) Make an appointment to see your physiotherapist
D) Say, “You’re having a laugh, that’s how I ended up like this!”
E)Say, “I’m off to the bookies.”

Question 4)
Someone asks you why you’re disabled. Do you…
A) Tell them they are a nosy *******!!
B) Tell them you were wing-walking and fell off.
C) Give brief details of illness and say you’re lucky to be alive.
D) Give long details of illness and say you are going to sue the NHS for every penny.
Question 5)
You are in a book-store looking for a book. Do you…
A) Forget it. Disabled people don’t read books?
B) Ask the shop assistant for assistance?
C) Look for it yourself and enjoy the experience?
Question 6)
You are in a restaurant. Do you?
A) Choose a healthy option?
B) Choose an unhealthy mega-fry up?
C) Leave before eating because you can’t afford the prices?
Question 7)
You are offered the chance to do something to raise money for your disability’s charity. Do you…
A )Do anything you can to raise money?
B) Say, “You have to be kidding!!”?
C) Go to the bookies instead?
Question 8)
You are watching television when the National News begins. Do you…
A) Watch enthusiastically to see what is happening in the World.
B) Watch it but be more interested in your local news
C) Turn it off and say, “Nothing to do with me, I’m not interested!”
D) Watch it for the last time because you cannot afford to pay the licence fee anymore?
PART (3) ATTITUDE

Question 1)

You are disabled. The Government is cutting back its welfare expenditure. Do you…

A)Become a militant protester and chain yourself to the railings outside Parliament?

B)Bombard your MP with letters of concern about your reduced benefit?

C)Write to newspapers and give interviews about your circumstances?

D)Complain that this is all the Bankers’ fault?

E)Accept that there is nothing you can do about?

F)Write a Blog and/poetry and gradually gain support?

Question 2)
You received appalling care in a Residential Care Establishment. Do you…
A)Do nothing because you are disabled?
B)Shout and create a fuss while still at the Care Establishment?
C)Make notes and log details in order to complain to a higher authority?
D)Accept that this appalling care is only to be expected and you are lucky to be there at all?
Question 3)
Respite Care is provided to give carers a break from caring for a spouse.
The Respite care establishment should provide (for the disabled person)…
A)Accommodation and basic care for every disabled person?
B)A good standard of accommodation and care for every disabled person?
C)A good standard of accommodation and care for disabled people of similar ability? (see note)
D)An inspiring establishment which promotes activities, learning and positivity?
E)Access to reliable computer and/or Wi-Fi capability?

C) note. I see little point in putting clients of mixed ability into the same Residential Care Home.
This is because they will not be able to communicate with each other and if the facilities are geared towards the clients who have learning issues it will be detrimental to those who do not.

PART (4) MOBILITY

Question 1)
You have been offered a ‘Mobility Vehicle’. Do you…
A)Contact Jeremy Clarkson to ask him to give it a Test Drive and ‘Performance Report’?
B)Refuse because you have never fancied driving a Mercedes?
C)Accept but lose the Mobility part of your DLA?
D)Say, “How the hell do you expect me to drive it!!”?
Question 2)
You get free Patient Transport provided to take you to Hospital Physiotherapy. Are you…
A)Grateful for the provided transport?
B)Angry because it arrives two hours late for your Physiotherapy appointment?
C)Angry and Depressed when it doesn’t pick you up to take you home again?
D) ‘Held Hostage’ when they get you into it but can’t open the door to let you out?
Question 3)
You are provided with an electric wheelchair. Do you…
A)Rejoice that you are now mobile?
B)As for a longer electric cable so you can go outside?
C)Complain because it’s so slow you are overtaken by elderly people with walking sticks?
D)Complain that it is not fast enough to be Flashed by a Speed Camera?
E) ‘Customise’ it so you can be Flashed by a Speed Camera?
F) Insist on the ‘Top of the Range’ that looks like a 3 wheeled motorbike?
Question 4)
Electric wheelchairs are available from different manufacturers. What price range are they…
A)Who cares!! As long as I get a free one! C) £8,001 – £10,000
B)£2000 – £8,000 D) Silly Money!!
PART (5) ATOS

Question 1
A 60 year old disabled man who is confined to a wheelchair is in pain, shakes and cannot talk properly and needs assistance to do everything is deemed ‘fit for work’ by ATOS. He goes to the Job Centre and tells them he has been sent by ATOS. He is told…
A) “YOU ARE KIDDING ME!! GO HOME!!”
B) “We have a vacancy for a window cleaner.”
C) “I’ve had enough! You can have my job if you like!”
D) “How do you fancy being a scaffolder?”
Question 2)
At the ATOS assessment one disabled man in a wheelchair with very limited ability was asked…
A) “Do you enjoy cooking?”
B) “Do you enjoy gardening?”
C) “You will be expected to work until your Hip Replacement Operation!” ?
D) All the above?
Question 3)
The ATOS Medical Assessment Official’s qualifications include…
A)MD?
B)BSc?
C)FRCGP?
D) “This is a joke – right?!!”
Question4)
After being declared fit for work by ATOS and having their benefits stopped Disabled people have…
A)Become Olympic Gymnasts?
B) Self-harmed?
C) Committed suicide?
D)Suffered severe depression and anxiety or made their mental illness profoundly worse?
E)Died of the illness/disability which according to ATOS they never had in the first place?
Question 5)
A good part-time job for an ATOS medical assessor would be…
A)A Stand-Up comedian?
B)An undertaker?
C)A politician?
D)A Tailor (stitching up) ?
Question 6)
The Legality of ATOS persecution of the Disabled should be challenged in the European Court of Human Rights but…
A)Disabled people have no rights?
B)ECHR only help those accused of terrorism?
C)ECHR are too busy preventing illegal immigrants from being deported?
D)That would only increase the already astronomical salary of the ‘Legal Profession’ ?
Question 7)
It has been suggested (by myself) that Bankers’ Bonuses should be awarded with the same diligence and effort as ATOS judgements. This would mean that bankers would have to demonstrate and prove that…
A)They can park their 4×4 in a disabled bay?
B)They can list their off-shore bank accounts in alphabetical order?
C)They can provide evidence of having visited the Cayman Islands?
D)They are penniless, distressed, self-harming and on the verge of suicide?
Question 8)
As well as the Disabled, other groups in the UK to be persecuted by the Government in this time of Financial Restraint and Cutbacks include…
A)The Bankers?
B)The Politicians?
C) “Wait… I’m still thinking… Eh!… There have to be others. Surely… Eh!… ?
D)The Job Centre staff harassed by hundreds of complaining and distressed disabled people?
Question 9)
ATOS Appeals. If you don’t agree with the ATOS Medical Assessment decision you can…
A)Appeal to the brain surgeon who happens to be moonlighting there as a plumber at the same time?
B)Appeal to the ECHR on the grounds of disability discrimination? (I wouldn’t bother – you probably won’t live long enough!!)
C)Appeal on the grounds that you have contracted some deadly infectious disease ( the name of which you cannot pronounce) from your last visit to the infested swamps of Borneo?
D)Appeal on the grounds of ‘Diminished Responsibility’ because you were mad enough to go to their assessment in the first place?
Question 10)
At the assessment you are seen by a doctor who bears an uncanny resemblance to…
A)Dr. Who ?
B)Dr. Crippen ?
C)Dr. Frankenstein ?
D)What! You mean a proper doctor? Ha Ha! Stop it – don’t make me laugh!! ?
Question 11)
At the ATOS assessment you are asked if you want to say a few words …
A)In your defence?
B)To your phsychiatrist?
C)To the ‘Sun’ newspaper?
D)To the ‘Citizens’ Alliance for North Korean Human Rights’?
Question 12)
At the ATOS assessment you are asked what kind of job may suit you. You reply…
A) “Are you having a laugh? You self-centred, insensitive, disability-phobic brainless half-wit!!”
B) “I am claiming political asylum” in your best Bulgarian voice
C) “A North Sea Oil Platform Engineer”?
D) “An Astronaut”?

Actual TRUE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS given in real situations in PART 5 marked with *
PART (6) For People who have thoughts about Disability on a daily basis.
Question 1
You want to go on a bus journey. Do you say…
A) I cannot get on a bus?
B)Why would I want to travel by bus?
C)They Should design busses to suit me?
D)What is a bus?
Question 2)
You have a hospital appointment to go to. Do you say…
A) Great! I really need my physiotherapy session?
B) I don’t think I’ll bother going. I’m healthy enough?
C)They can’t offer me anything I can’t do on my own?
D)I hope it is a Private Hospital. I don’t want to mix with ordinary people?
Question 3)
You have to stay in ‘Respite Care’ establishment for a week. Do you say…
A) “I know it’s not good, but I don’t have a choice?”
B) “Over my dead body!!”?
C) “Great! I’ll enjoy the computer room and the Sauna?”
D) “I expect it has a sea view and 24 hour room service?”
Question 4)
You see a disabled person in a wheelchair stuck in a large crack in the pavement. Do you…
A)Stay with them and ask a passer-by for assistance?
B)Walk past and grin smugly?
C)You carry on going?
D)You carry on going thinking, “Why should I help? It’s their problem – not mine!”?
Question 5
The UK Government are reducing disabled benefits but also reducing tax payable by the rich, and giving an increased amount of money away in Foreign Aid to dubious Regimes. Do you say…
A) “Exactly what I thought they would do! They don’t care about us!”?
B) “And why shouldn’t they – the disabled don’t need it!”?
C) “I Don’t understand what all the fuss is about!”?
D) “I wish those disabled layabouts would stop complaining!!”?
Question 6)
Disabled people are genuinely worried about how they will survive. Do you say…
A) “I don’t know how I will survive!”?
B) “They just want to be dramatic!”?
C) “The Government will look after me. I’m genuinely disabled!!”?
D) “Will these disabled layabouts ever stop complaining?” ?
Question7)
ATOS have claimed another disabled person is fit for work. Do you…
A) Worry how you will drive the crane when you can’t climb stairs?
B) Say, “All he has to do is sit on his arse!!”?
C) Say, “That ATOS chappie was a really nice bloke.”?
D)Say, “Bet they won’t have to work as hard us! Pass the Champagne, Reginald old chap!!”

Question 8)
In the General Election you think about voting Conservative. Do you want to speak to…
A) A Psychiatrist – Urgently!! ?
B) Your local M.P. to check the small print of their Manifesto?
C)Your friends in the pub?
D) Your Wine Merchant’s Champagne Ordering Department ?

PART 6 ~ ANSWERS
Mostly A’s )
Of course you’re disabled but you already knew that didn’t you?

Mostly B’s )

You’re not disabled yet but you have a one in six chance of experiencing severe disability during the course of your lifetime. (More than half of disabled people are pensioners who have lived perfectly healthy lives until their later years). Ditch that smug attitude now and consider how you would want to be treated in that person’s place.

Mostly C’s)

You are disabled but the penny hasn’t dropped yet! Discriminatory practice and a NIMBY attitude have seriously affected your cognitive functions and they are now so deeply ingrained that you don’t even realise the extent of the damage to your mental health. Seek professional help now before it is too late!

Mostly D’s)

You are beyond hope. Maybe a legal injunction will make you behave even if common decency is beyond your understanding. That’s probably why you work for the DWP/ATOS/ House of Commons and wouldn’t dream of changing your Tory vote or deep cleaning that dirty, pus infected swamp that passes for a mind.

PART (7)
THE BIG QUESTION
Can you tell the difference between A) and B) ?
A)Helpless individuals who are disabled either mentally, physically or both. People who have given all they have to give and are tired and emotionally drained from constant worry about how they will survive when their benefits are cut. People who have endured and still enduring physical pain caused by accidents or neurological illnesses. People who are struggling with the realisation that no matter what they do, their life is not going to get any better. All they can see is a long tortuous road towards old age and finally death. People who not complain to others about their hardship.

B)Able and fit benefit cheats who are so pathetic that they want to deprive those who are entitled to help. People with absolutely no morals who think the UK Government owes them something!!

Strangely the UK Government cannot tell the difference so they persecute the disabled.

Copyright © Ian m Allan & Lynn Myland 2013

matters.

In this respect though, I am not holding my breath…!!

DISABLED QUIZ ~ PARTS 1-6

PART (1) VICTIMISATION

Question 1)

I have lost my DLA and no longer have sufficient funds to heat my house, Do I …

A) Pack my clothes and coat with newspaper to stay warm like the government has advised?

B) Drill a hole in the party wall and steal my neighbour’s electricity?

C) Not really a problem as I will have already starved to death by September?

Question 2)

I have been asked to pay a ‘Bedroom Tax’ Surcharge because I sleep in the spare bedroom, Do I…

A) Demolish the dividing wall to create an ‘Open Plan’ space?

B) Sleep in the coal cellar?

C) Die of hunger as I can’t afford to pay for food and ‘Bedroom Tax’?

Question 3)

I am in ‘Respite Care’ for two weeks. There is a metal hoist blocking my way to the toilet, Do I…

A) Press the Fire Alarm?

B) Turn around and break my speed record while finding another toilet?

C) Just sit there and let nature take over?

Question 4)

Somebody passes a patronising comment while you are out in your wheelchair. Do you…

A) Run over their foot?

B) Explain to them the underlying principles of Quantum Physics?

C) Ignore them?

Question5)

Staying at a Residential Care Facility there is no reliable Wi-Fi signal. Should I…

A) Complain about the dire state of their knackered computer system?

B) Realise that the disabled should not be able to contact the outside world?

C) Rejoice in the knowledge that I still have a pen and paper?

Question 6)

Staying at a Residential Care Facility they dress you in other peoples’ clothes. Should you…

A) Complain because you never ever wear Armani?

B) Insist that you have never been a cross-dresser and have no intention of starting?

C) Take them because your own clothes have been lost/stolen/given to charity?

Question 7)

When your disabled transport fails to turn up after waiting over 3 hours. Do you…

A) Start making your own way along the hard shoulder of the motorway?

B) Get a tow?

C) Don’t go out?

*D)Get driven home in a disability vehicle by the Residential Care Home staff where I had been staying after the booked disability transport failed to turn up even after several phone calls during which we were told, “The transport is on its way!”. I later found out this transport never did arrive!!

Question 8)

When thinking about booking a hotel room. Do you…

A)Realise that Disabled people shouldn’t stay in hotels due to Health & Safety Regulations.

*B) Ask for a disabled room and expect to find that the only disabled part of it is yourself?

C) Worry about the toilet being such a stupid height that you will niether get on to it nor off of it?

D) Forget it. If you can stay in a hotel then you are clearly fit for work?

Question 9)

When submitting written work to a publisher. Do you…

A)Don’t mention your disability because it might go against you?

B)Don’t mention your disability because they will only want to know about your disability?

C)Don’t mention your disability or they will assume you expect preferential consideration?

D)Don’t bother submitting it because disabled people can’t string a sentence together?

Question 10)

When crossing the road at a zebra crossing. Do you…

A)Hold up a circular ‘Target Sign’ so drivers can aim properly?

B) Put your wheelchair on ‘Turbo Speed’, say a prayer and ‘Go For It’?

PART (2) MOTIVATION

Question 1)

You have been disabled for a while and unable to walk at all. Your cognitive ability is unimpaired and you are looking for a new challenge or something new to learn. Do you…

A) Study the ‘Beginner’s Guide to Easy Crosswords’?

B) Study Walschaerts Valve Gear System for Steam Locomotive Engineering?

C) Study Psychology?

D)Study counselling in order to help other disabled people?

E) Give up learning anything new because you are disabled?

F) Find something creative to do like Art, Writing etc.

G) Study the horses at the bookies?

Question 2)

You are in a wheelchair but have been offered a day out with no expense. Do you…

A) Go for a drive and visit a country pub for lunch?

B) Go to a shopping Mall?

C) Be grateful that anybody wants to take you out?

D) Go to the bookies?

Question 3)

You are in a wheelchair watching a Health & Fitness programme. Do you…

A) Turn over or switch off.

B) Say, “I must do my exercises.”

C) Make an appointment to see your physiotherapist

D) Say, “You’re having a laugh, that’s how I ended up like this!”

E)Say, “I’m off to the bookies.”

Question 4)

Someone asks you why you’re disabled. Do you…

A) Tell them they are a nosy *******!!

B) Tell them you were wing-walking and fell off.

C) Give brief details of illness and say you’re lucky to be alive.

D) Give long details of illness and say you are going to sue the NHS for every penny.

Question 5)

You are in a book-store looking for a book. Do you…

A) Forget it. Disabled people don’t read books?

B) Ask the shop assistant for assistance?

C) Look for it yourself and enjoy the experience?

Question 6)

You are in a restaurant. Do you?

A) Choose a healthy option?

B) Choose an unhealthy mega-fry up?

C) Leave before eating because you can’t afford the prices?

Question 7)

You are offered the chance to do something to raise money for your disability’s charity. Do you…

A )Do anything you can to raise money?

B) Say, “You have to be kidding!!”?

C) Go to the bookies instead?

Question 8)

You are watching television when the National News begins. Do you…

A) Watch enthusiastically to see what is happening in the World.

B) Watch it but be more interested in your local news

C) Turn it off and say, “Nothing to do with me, I’m not interested!”

D) Watch it for the last time because you cannot afford to pay the licence fee anymore?

PART (3) ATTITUDE

Question 1)

You are disabled. The Government is cutting back its welfare expenditure. Do you…

A)Become a militant protester and chain yourself to the railings outside Parliament?

B)Bombard your MP with letters of concern about your reduced benefit?

C)Write to newspapers and give interviews about your circumstances?

D)Complain that this is all the Bankers’ fault?

E)Accept that there is nothing you can do about?

F)Write a Blog and/poetry and gradually gain support?

Question 2)

You received appalling care in a Residential Care Establishment. Do you…

A)Do nothing because you are disabled?

B)Shout and create a fuss while still at the Care Establishment?

C)Make notes and log details in order to complain to a higher authority?

D)Accept that this appalling care is only to be expected and you are lucky to be there at all?

Question 3)

Respite Care is provided to give carers a break from caring for a spouse.

The Respite care establishment should provide (for the disabled person)…

A)Accommodation and basic care for every disabled person?

B)A good standard of accommodation and care for every disabled person?

C)A good standard of accommodation and care for disabled people of similar ability? (see note)

D)An inspiring establishment which promotes activities, learning and positivity?

E)Access to reliable computer and/or Wi-Fi capability?

C) note. I see little point in putting clients of mixed ability into the same Residential Care Home.

This is because they will not be able to communicate with each other and if the facilities are geared towards the clients who have learning issues it will be detrimental to those who do not.

PART (4) MOBILITY

Question 1)

You have been offered a ‘Mobility Vehicle’. Do you…

A)Contact Jeremy Clarkson to ask him to give it a Test Drive and ‘Performance Report’?

B)Refuse because you have never fancied driving a Mercedes?

C)Accept but lose the Mobility part of your DLA?

D)Say, “How the hell do you expect me to drive it!!”?

Question 2)

You get free Patient Transport provided to take you to Hospital Physiotherapy. Are you…

A)Grateful for the provided transport?

B)Angry because it arrives two hours late for your Physiotherapy appointment?

C)Angry and Depressed when it doesn’t pick you up to take you home again?

D) ‘Held Hostage’ when they get you into it but can’t open the door to let you out?

Question 3)

You are provided with an electric wheelchair. Do you…

A)Rejoice that you are now mobile?

B)As for a longer electric cable so you can go outside?

C)Complain because it’s so slow you are overtaken by elderly people with walking sticks?

D)Complain that it is not fast enough to be Flashed by a Speed Camera?

E) ‘Customise’ it so you can be Flashed by a Speed Camera?

F) Insist on the ‘Top of the Range’ that looks like a 3 wheeled motorbike?

Question 4)

Electric wheelchairs are available from different manufacturers. What price range are they…

A)Who cares!! As long as I get a free one! C) £8,001 – £10,000

B)£2000 – £8,000 D) Silly Money!!

PART (5) ATOS

Question 1

A 60 year old disabled man who is confined to a wheelchair is in pain, shakes and cannot talk properly and needs assistance to do everything is deemed ‘fit for work’ by ATOS. He goes to the Job Centre and tells them he has been sent by ATOS. He is told…

A) “YOU ARE KIDDING ME!! GO HOME!!”

B) “We have a vacancy for a window cleaner.”

C) “I’ve had enough! You can have my job if you like!”

D) “How do you fancy being a scaffolder?”

Question 2)

At the ATOS assessment one disabled man in a wheelchair with very limited ability was asked…

A) “Do you enjoy cooking?”

B) “Do you enjoy gardening?”

C) “You will be expected to work until your Hip Replacement Operation!” ?

D) All the above?

Question 3)

The ATOS Medical Assessment Official’s qualifications include…

A)MD?

B)BSc?

C)FRCGP?

D) “This is a joke – right?!!”

Question4)

After being declared fit for work by ATOS and having their benefits stopped Disabled people have…

A)Become Olympic Gymnasts?

B) Self-harmed?

C) Committed suicide?

D)Suffered severe depression and anxiety or made their mental illness profoundly worse?

E)Died of the illness/disability which according to ATOS they never had in the first place?

Question 5)

A good part-time job for an ATOS medical assessor would be…

A)A Stand-Up comedian?

B)An undertaker?

C)A politician?

D)A Tailor (stitching up) ?

Question 6)

The Legality of ATOS persecution of the Disabled should be challenged in the European Court of Human Rights but…

A)Disabled people have no rights?

B)ECHR only help those accused of terrorism?

C)ECHR are too busy preventing illegal immigrants from being deported?

D)That would only increase the already astronomical salary of the ‘Legal Profession’ ?

Question 7)

It has been suggested (by myself) that Bankers’ Bonuses should be awarded with the same diligence and effort as ATOS judgements. This would mean that bankers would have to demonstrate and prove that…

A)They can park their 4×4 in a disabled bay?

B)They can list their off-shore bank accounts in alphabetical order?

C)They can provide evidence of having visited the Cayman Islands?

D)They are penniless, distressed, self-harming and on the verge of suicide?

Question 8)

As well as the Disabled, other groups in the UK to be persecuted by the Government in this time of Financial Restraint and Cutbacks include…

A)The Bankers?

B)The Politicians?

C) “Wait… I’m still thinking… Eh!… There have to be others. Surely… Eh!… ?

D)The Job Centre staff harassed by hundreds of complaining and distressed disabled people?

Question 9)

ATOS Appeals. If you don’t agree with the ATOS Medical Assessment decision you can…

A)Appeal to the brain surgeon who happens to be moonlighting there as a plumber at the same time?

B)Appeal to the ECHR on the grounds of disability discrimination? (I wouldn’t bother – you probably won’t live long enough!!)

C)Appeal on the grounds that you have contracted some deadly infectious disease ( the name of which you cannot pronounce) from your last visit to the infested swamps of Borneo?

D)Appeal on the grounds of ‘Diminished Responsibility’ because you were mad enough to go to their assessment in the first place?

Question 10)

At the assessment you are seen by a doctor who bears an uncanny resemblance to…

A)Dr. Who ?

B)Dr. Crippen ?

C)Dr. Frankenstein ?

D)What! You mean a proper doctor? Ha Ha! Stop it – don’t make me laugh!! ?

Question 11)

At the ATOS assessment you are asked if you want to say a few words …

A)In your defence?

B)To your phsychiatrist?

C)To the ‘Sun’ newspaper?

D)To the ‘Citizens’ Alliance for North Korean Human Rights’?

Question 12)

At the ATOS assessment you are asked what kind of job may suit you. You reply…

A) “Are you having a laugh? You self-centred, insensitive, disability-phobic brainless half-wit!!”

B) “I am claiming political asylum” in your best Bulgarian voice

C) “A North Sea Oil Platform Engineer”?

D) “An Astronaut”?

Actual TRUE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS given in real situations in PART 5 marked with *

PART (6) For People who have thoughts about Disability on a daily basis.

Question 1

You want to go on a bus journey. Do you say…

A) I cannot get on a bus?

B)Why would I want to travel by bus?

C)They Should design busses to suit me?

D)What is a bus?

Question 2)

You have a hospital appointment to go to. Do you say…

A) Great! I really need my physiotherapy session?

B) I don’t think I’ll bother going. I’m healthy enough?

C)They can’t offer me anything I can’t do on my own?

D)I hope it is a Private Hospital. I don’t want to mix with ordinary people?

Question 3)

You have to stay in ‘Respite Care’ establishment for a week. Do you say…

A) “I know it’s not good, but I don’t have a choice?”

B) “Over my dead body!!”?

C) “Great! I’ll enjoy the computer room and the Sauna?”

D) “I expect it has a sea view and 24 hour room service?”

Question 4)

You see a disabled person in a wheelchair stuck in a large crack in the pavement. Do you…

A)Stay with them and ask a passer-by for assistance?

B)Walk past and grin smugly?

C)You carry on going?

D)You carry on going thinking, “Why should I help? It’s their problem – not mine!”?

Question 5

The UK Government are reducing disabled benefits but also reducing tax payable by the rich, and giving an increased amount of money away in Foreign Aid to dubious Regimes. Do you say…

A) “Exactly what I thought they would do! They don’t care about us!”?

B) “And why shouldn’t they – the disabled don’t need it!”?

C) “I Don’t understand what all the fuss is about!”?

D) “I wish those disabled layabouts would stop complaining!!”?

Question 6)

Disabled people are genuinely worried about how they will survive. Do you say…

A) “I don’t know how I will survive!”?

B) “They just want to be dramatic!”?

C) “The Government will look after me. I’m genuinely disabled!!”?

D) “Will these disabled layabouts ever stop complaining?” ?

Question7)

ATOS have claimed another disabled person is fit for work. Do you…

A) Worry how you will drive the crane when you can’t climb stairs?

B) Say, “All he has to do is sit on his arse!!”?

C) Say, “That ATOS chappie was a really nice bloke.”?

D)Say, “Bet they won’t have to work as hard us! Pass the Champagne, Reginald old chap!!”

Question 8)

In the General Election you think about voting Conservative. Do you want to speak to…

A) A Psychiatrist – Urgently!! ?

B) Your local M.P. to check the small print of their Manifesto?

C)Your friends in the pub?

D) Your Wine Merchant’s Champagne Ordering Department ?

PART 6 ~ ANSWERS

Mostly A’s )

Of course you’re disabled but you already knew that didn’t you?

Mostly B’s )

You’re not disabled yet but you have a one in six chance of experiencing severe disability during the course of your lifetime. (More than half of disabled people are pensioners who have lived perfectly healthy lives until their later years). Ditch that smug attitude now and consider how you would want to be treated in that person’s place.

Mostly C’s)

You are disabled but the penny hasn’t dropped yet! Discriminatory practice and a NIMBY attitude have seriously affected your cognitive functions and they are now so deeply ingrained that you don’t even realise the extent of the damage to your mental health. Seek professional help now before it is too late!

Mostly D’s)

You are beyond hope. Maybe a legal injunction will make you behave even if common decency is beyond your understanding. That’s probably why you work for the DWP/ATOS/ House of Commons and wouldn’t dream of changing your Tory vote or deep cleaning that dirty, pus infected swamp that passes for a mind.

PART (7)

THE BIG QUESTION

Can you tell the difference between A) and B) ?

A)Helpless individuals who are disabled either mentally, physically or both. People who have given all they have to give and are tired and emotionally drained from constant worry about how they will survive when their benefits are cut. People who have endured and still enduring physical pain caused by accidents or neurological illnesses. People who are struggling with the realisation that no matter what they do, their life is not going to get any better. All they can see is a long tortuous road towards old age and finally death. People who not complain to others about their hardship.

B)Able and fit benefit cheats who are so pathetic that they want to deprive those who are entitled to help. People with absolutely no morals who think the UK Government owes them something!!

Strangely the UK Government cannot tell the difference so they persecute the disabled.


Copyright © Ian m Allan & Lynn Myland 2013