It was Christmas Eve in Margate
Through the crowds of shoppers he fought
The Christmas lights
Were all twinkling bright
And Santa had lost the plot.
The shelves were all bulging with gifts
So many Santa’s stockings and sacks
But with a stocking instead
He put over his head
And he robbed the Halifax.
The Christmas lights were all twinkling blue
And police sirens filled the air
They searched so late
All over Margate
But they couldn’t find Santa – anywhere.
It was then that they hit on the problem
There were too many Santas around
A police helicopter above
“We’ll get him Guv’ !”
And squad cars upon the ground.
For they were searching for the real Santa
The one who had robbed the bank
In a red Santa suit
And pickled to boot
Who dribbled his beer when he drank
They arrested all the Santas in Margate
In every shop and store
But every time they got close
The real Santa arose
And quickly buggered off – next door.
They tried everything they could
In order to track him down
The bookies and pubs
The shops and the clubs
In every part of the town.
All of a sudden there was a breakthrough
Followed by a rousing cheer
But Santa they missed
For although he was pissed
“He’s buggered off. He’s not here!!”
They never found the real Santa
Even when they searched every part
Santa, reindeer and sleigh
They staggered away
For Santa was pissed as a fart.
The sleigh flew off into the night sky
Not a sound, not ever a breath
The chimney pots it missed
Even although Santa was pissed
And hanging on for grim death.
So if you ever saw Santa Claus
With his sleigh full of sacks
It wasn’t presents on board
As through the Heavens it soared
But dosh he’d nicked from the Halifax!!
Copyright © Ian m Allan 2017